Good Mourning In Heaven – Three Month Day

Good Mourning in Heaven My Angel Boy-

It sure is hard to be your mama today.

Too many thoughts of yesterday. Days when you were little, curls hanging loose and eyes so blue. Smiles bright and healthy. This is the time of year where we lived barefoot and in bathing suits. Remember, the good old days? Let’s swim again on North Lake, let’s hang around a campfire with family and friends. Angel love want to go for a walk and talk about silly things? I do. Oh baby boy, gone so fast. Take me back to a time of happiness. I feel incomplete without you.

This day one of the hardest in a while.

Today my angel boy is the reminder of three months without your smile. Today, we see Monday the 17th on the calendar. You took your life on Monday the 17th, Three months ago.

Three months today since we heard your laugh. Three months since you called my name. Three months since you wrestled your brother or a told a random joke to your sister.

 I really can’t comprehend it all. You are gone.

You will not ever show up except in our memories. I still want you to walk in the door.  My mind, it knows the truth. My heart cannot seem to catch up to what it should.

You have missed all the stuff we dreamed up right when you were small. Graduation, celebrations and college orientations. Yes, little boy, I love so much. I finally called WMU and let them know you would not be there. I was transferred all around; I guess this kind of thing does not happen often. Finally, they put me in touch with the head of some department, and that poor woman cried along side of me when I had to explain why you would not be attending with all of the other freshmen. They wondered if I wanted my deposit back. No, I cried to a stranger on the other end, I just want my boy to live and see his dreams complete.

She said,  “I am so sorry.” I said “Me too.”

I told her how you wanted to be an accountant. How much you loved Hayworth College of Business when you did your tour of the school. I explained to this stranger on the other end with a tear filled laugh how you begged us to pay extra for a dorm with air conditioning, and we simply agreed because you are you and we wanted you to feel comfortable. I do not know why I told her those things; it does not matter now. Except to me…To me, you are my every day. You are my morning and my evening. You Angel boy are everything. When you were born, I felt complete.

I am writing about us beautiful boy.

I started to write what I think will become a book. I have so many words all pent up. Blog posts do not leave enough space to get it all out, my journals stacking up. Now the chapters do.  I think also, The way you are, I mean, the way you were. I think it might help another parent to know what we did not. Maybe they will see our bumpy road and stop them in their tracks. Maybe, Angel, there is a boy like you who will live his life complete because his mom will read the horror of our travels and take another path.

 

Three months brings quieter times.

We do not hear from others as often. Some still know the valley we are in and throw a rope and remind us to climb high. I am forever humbled and grateful for those friends and even strangers who remember your name and our hearts cry. Those who reach out and intentionally hold our hand in the chaos of their own lives.

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The other kids, well that is the hardest part of all.

Some days are normal. Normal being a shadow of what used to be. The kids, they plug away at all of the things they did before. Some days I see smiles and laughter. Those are good days. Some, well, this is the part where I still hold anger at you although I know in my heart you completely lost control that day. I know the anger has to go.  When I see their hurt and the way it comes out. I want to scream at you; I want the kids to have hearts that don’t carry a burden of losing a brother this way. I wish you could have seen the ripple of pain that is the gift you left in your absence. Had you thought that out Angel boy you would still be here today.

We have had to go on vacation without you now. It is the worst to sit around a place where everyone should be,  your seat sits empty. When I see the beautiful sights of our travel, I think of you in  Heaven and remind myself you are free.

I am fighting the ongoing battle of heart hurt and normal life.

The day to day must get done, and I work hard at finding joy. I know the only way to heal this hurting heart of mine that feels a mess with you gone is to serve those who need more. That helps, it does. To look out at all those who have less and think of what we still are gifted each day and share a bit of what we have left.

 Angel boy if I could do anything I would bring you back to Earthly life.

I know it’s a silly dream and not the plan for this mom.  So I pray that God uses you to make a difference in someone’s day. I pray that your death brings reality to a kid who hurts in your same way. I think back to the angel of goodness you were here on Earth, and I know without a doubt you are a gift in Heaven.

You are so deeply missed, I hope in Heaven when you met Jesus, he played a movie of life and death before your eyes. First reminding you of the ones you left and should not have, and then I pray he washed the mistakes away with love and insight.  I pray it swelled your heart a million times it ever was here, I pray the light of Jesus took all your pain away and replaced it with gifts and joy to share in Heaven.

Angel boy, I know a friend who is not doing well here on Earth. Her time is near, and soon she will find her way to where you are. If you see her, guide her to the right place to go. Let her know that all will be ok.

Remind her of the love of Jesus and that the most beautiful forever is about to begin.

Angel, my sweet love, I cannot ever seem to end my notes to you with our tears in my eyes. Three months is too long for a mother to not have her boy. I love you, Angel. Sing praise to our King for the gracious gifts he gives us in eternity. One day, when our story is done, I will see you, sweet son.

I love you forever, I love you for Always, forever my baby you will be.