Good Mourning Son- Month two, and a few
Good Mourning Son,
I miss you so very much Ethan; It has been all too consuming this void in our lives. Life without you.
We are in a season of new. Saying goodbye to the old and hello to change, hello to something we do not want to greet. You, Sweetheart, have been gone now two months and two days. Months, I hate to say that word. It tells me, even though I know, you are not coming back. This life here on earth no longer holds your soul.
You see, maybe, somewhere inside my heart, I held hope you would still walk in the door. The nightmare of losing you would be over, and I would wake up. Month two reminds me that will never be true.
So much has gone on since you left us since you parted ways with life on Earth. I pray and feel in my heart you are welcomed into your eternal home in. I have been studying this place you now call forever. So much more than I can ever even imagine.
Most of what has gone on here means nothing in Heaven.
Here on earth, we put great focus on things of today. I think it’s because most often we are confused about what the end may bring. We think of today forgetting our lives past this place. I do, put so much pressure on myself, worrying daily about today when it’s forever that matters.
One hurdle we had to cross was getting your brothers and sisters through the last weeks of school. I am so proud of them Ethan. It was hard. What you did to them. Ripping away their ordinary and forcing them to live their days with you gone. Sometimes, they craved the simplest of times and other days overcome with how ridiculous average sounds.
Your death, you took your life, which sets us all apart. It puts us in a place where people look and wonder. That is hard, for us all.
What you wrote kiddo in your goodbye letter, well they took that to heart. The thing is dear boy; it is much responsibility. When you take your life and leave behind traits, you want others to be. You left behind a ghost of what they need to be. Pressure to live up forever to what you wanted and felt you could not be.
They are already amazing on their own. Growing strong and in God’s time without added pressure here on earth.
Graduation was the best, and the worst. We were able to watch your sister walk the stage and feel a part of everything she has worked her last ten years here as part of our family. She felt she belonged with her peers, her smile melted my heart. That was the best, you gone, the worst.
Your dad and I too walked the stage.
Ethan, I cannot tell you how long that walk was. The silent of the crowd, so thankful it was not them down below walking up to accept their child’s diploma. I have never had so many eyes on me at one time. Those were the hardest steps of my life, walking in slow motion to take that simple earthly paper that you should have touched. It was not ours to take; you earned it my boy. Ethan, I wish you could have finished those last weeks of school, walked that stage and felt the pride in yourself.
The pride we always felt for you, my beautiful boy.
I have had to take a break from facebook at times, reading the posts about other graduates is hard. It is a bittersweet feeling. I want those things for you, and if I am honest, for me too. So many kids are off to their college orientations. Yours was that first week in June. Dad was going to take you. It hurts, all of our dreams for you gone. The pain in that place in my heart that still to this day two months and two days later can not be explained. It hurt to know you are not going away to school. I have not even called to cancel your spot. Somehow, I cannot. The emails come reminding me often of what needs to be done, and yet, I just can’t make that call.
What does a mother say to her son’s new school? “My son took his life a few weeks ago. He forgot Gods plan for us all and didn’t put his faith in him, go ahead and take his name off your list WMU. My boy will not be there. He is gone from this life too soon.”
I guess that is what we need to say, Goodbye WMU, a parent’s dream for their child means nothing when they choose to take their life.
I adore your lady friend’s son, that is what you used to say. “Mom, Can I go out with a lady friend tonight?” We have had the true joy to see that you made some wise choices, that you were a good kid. These girls that are your friends, well sweet love they are true beauties, not just on the outside but full of amazing grace and heart. When we search for something in our day to bring joy and thanks, many times it has been the smile and hope that these young women give. A few have reached out and lifted your brothers and sisters up.
We are thankful for their support. The gifts they send, and the fact they stay in touch.
The other thing….in your death, we see the good of so many students. Not just your lady friends but some you just passed in the halls, some from years before, some who you just touched because they relate to your hurts. It is through these kids, almost adults that we see seeds of hope. The good in them, Ethan, We know these are the kind of kids who can make a difference here on earth. It is these kids that are now my friends on Facebook that I add to my prayers each night.
Praying for them to let God guide their way and bless them on the road to adulthood.
A gifted dancer raising more money than most to make miracles happen, the neighbor’s times three, one that stood tall giving a message to all on graduation day, the girl who once contemplated taking her life, now stands strong gifting life to others through her story. The junior who steps up to her senior year of leadership. A love of Christ that will lift her up along the way. These kids, you once knew and a few that you hardly did, they remind me of all that is good. They took the time to reach out. They and so many more I did not mention took your death and now have a chance to use it to make a difference in their lives. Life has meaning if you choose to go on.
If you decide to work past the issues of today and create purpose. Serving others is key…they find this secret most do not.
There have been times my sweet EE that I have wanted to close the door to my Father in Heaven. A few passing thoughts of anger have caught up with me in month two. The emotions are not to be described. No words explain what grief brings. I have had moments where I am numb. Hardened to protect the soft that once was my normal. You know, my boy, how my heart has always been. A bit like yours I think. Full of feeling with deep thoughts beating inside. Processing you being gone became too much, there are days I just shut off the world to protect that place. That hurting spot of love and regrets.
When I do that, shut off my feelings and turn away that is a bit like you, isn’t it? I may have forgotten in those moments of hurt that this life on Earth is short. God is to choose when it is time to go. God has a plan for our days. So, taking one’s life is not ok for a son. A mother shutting off her feelings and letting numb takeover is not the way to go either, I now see.
Remember Easter Sunday? You were gone to work, and I was feeling bummed that you had not prioritized a day I love so much. The Day we celebrate Christ’s resurrection, all he has done for us. I sat in the living room giving a bit of a lesson to our crew. I told them about a rope. I had Zach grab one from the basement in fact. I took a sharpie and marked off in solid black a section of that rope about an inch long. The long rope I had laying in my lap was showing a few feet or so, the rest coiled up with no end in sight. A few days before I had listed to a Francis Chan sermon on u-tube.http://The Rope Sermon by Francis Chan
I had written myself a sticky note and put it on my desk it said: “The Rope I stole from Francis Chan.” I had a blog post in mind.
The message is pretty clear, This Life here on earth is short in comparison to Eternity. That is what God has planned for us Eternity. A forever place. A place far beyond the joys and physical things of this earth.
God does not promise a world free of pain and danger, but he does promise us help when we face fears, hurts, and pains. The life we live today is just a short inch or so marked off on a Rope of eternity. God will rescue those who live in the shelter of the most high. I find rest in the shadow of the Almighty here on earth so that in my eternal life I can see the glory that should be. I will place in him sweet boy of mine, the hurt of my heart and the fear for your siblings as they grow through this pain of not having you here on earth.
I will not turn away from the one who wants to comfort me if I let him.
Ethan, sweet love, my first born son. I miss you so much. The tears remain. The heart hurt beats away inside my soul. Month two and two days, it is the place where we go about our day, normal, yet never normal again. We carry our loss with us where ever we go inside our pockets of grief and sorrow, hidden now more and more to not scare away those we know.
Month two and a few days is the place where I remind myself to live for more than today. To remind our family and friends, your brothers and sisters that God’s plan for us is great. That, this earthly life, if lived well, if served with grace, if we see what others may not then we get a long rope, endless in fact. That each choice we make is not for today but a far greater gift.
Month two and two days of mourning you in Heaven brings the memory of the Rope I stole from Francis Chan, Earthly life is small in the length of Eternity. I will live it with thanks, gratitude and serve my Father in Heaven letting HIM guide my life on earth. I rejoice that one day I will get eternity. All my heart aches of today are a mere sharpied out spot on a forever rope with God. I wish you could tell us love how wonderful it would be if we could all live this life knowing how much more we get in eternity.
I wish you would send down a ray of sun with angel love, warming the hearts of all who need to be reminded there is so much more if we just believe and have trust in God each day.
Loving you more than ever, more today than even yesterday. My sweet angel boy, pictured in my mind, surfing the clouds of Heaven with a smile wide. Your curls blow in the winds of love and your hugs welcome children who enter the beautiful gates of Heaven. Your image on Earth is more than enough but the picture of you in Heaven makes the hair on my arms stand straight and the hurt in my heart lighten.